Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
