This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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