I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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