you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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