I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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