so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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