All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she told me i tasted like america
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
