sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
