I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
