I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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