The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
