So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
