you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
