His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
When are your genitals available?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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