That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
