I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
