I'm so fucking centered right now
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize