I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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