I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
