Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize