My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Randomize
