Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
