making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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