I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize