Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
