there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Randomize
