someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
