I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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