Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
