just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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