batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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