i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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