are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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