the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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