Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
