dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
