There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
