My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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