Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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