today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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