I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
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