Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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