Please, let me fuck your mom
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
