I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
