drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
