if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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