marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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