Whatcha textin bout Willis?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
