I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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