its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
