Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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