Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
