This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
