Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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