i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
