i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
