i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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